Robert E LeeRoy

Yesterday I learned I am going to lose him. He has a mass in his abdomen. My boy is so tiny and has lost over a pound of weight going from almost 8 lbs to less than 6 lbs. I was told last time that he had one regular kidney and the other was maybe 1/2 the size it should be so I was careful about his kidneys.
 Of late he has gotten cuddly which is very out of norm for my little Rockstar. I noticed he seemed lighter and a lot thinner. He is still alert, has no weird smell, he eats and drinks and goes potty but he is different. So I got him to the Veterinarian where the mass was discovered.  I can get a referral to a specialist for a biopsy. Potentially get him Chemotherapy and 10's of thousands that I do not have later still lose him in a few months.   Having his last days scared, sick and alone.

Each loss hits me harder than the previous. Hopefully I can get my shelter built soon.  I have found someone who will put up a barn or me but I need a house on the property first.  And scary news I am hearing that pot growers are buying out the lots of land near our property.   I do not want to have to ind a new piece of land to build on.  I want to be out of here within the next few years.  Time is flying past aster and faster.

I just want a safe place for my little ones.

exploration of an olive grove

exploration of an olive grove, a photo by siouxzb on Flickr.

Gabrielli hiding

Gabrielli hiding, a photo by siouxzb on Flickr.

Gabbers

I thought I had updated, I am sorry.  Dr. D thinks the eye might actually be healing. She  is getting an oral dose of Baytril for 2 weeks. we are into week two now.  He said that there is capillaries starting to form in the damaged part of the eye.  He is very surprised and happy about this. I am to give him a call to update how it is going.

To me it does not look good, it is pinker as he said but with all the discharge it is gooey too! It is also not swollen any more, so it might have been a blister forming that we had seen that made it look like the eye was about to rupture. 
Now I am confused if she is going to lose the eye or not.

I will be happy if she keeps it and the ball stays viable even if she will have impaired vision.  I am also prepared for her to have the scar. 

I cried a bit the other day remembering that Spinneretta had done a colorway about Gabrielli and the focal was her eyes.  Such a pretty mint green.

Right now she is looking kind of wizardy with her whited out eye.

remembering a visualization

I was reading a thread in Catknits on Ravelry and remembered a day in Berkeley when I out of curiosity sat in on a visualization class being hosted in a library. I at first thought it all very hokey but I came away with something that has helped me.
We all were sitting there listening to the presenter as he walked us through a visualization. I will share as much as I remember.

Find your quiet place, ground yourself to it.
Place your feet firmly on the floor and see your feet slip into the ground forming roots.
 Let the roots grow firm. Feel the Earth supporting and nurturing you.
See your arms and hands reach up as a tree branches into the sky,
Let the branches reach out and cover the Earth, holding life and shelter.
When you are strong in your grounding picture a pure light surrounding you.
Now
Picture out in the vast reaches of space a vortex, or hole.
Take all that upsets you, all that has hurt you, all that makes you cry.
Bundle this all up and toss it in the hole,
Now let it all go it is no longer with you and cannot harm you any more.

This has helped me many times, the first time I started laughing as I pictured a person being stuffed in this swirling vortex and standing over them slamming them in with a huge pole as they tried to crawl out.

The presenter later said that was the first time he had laughter as a reaction. When I told him what I saw he thought my visualization a bit violent.  But for me it felt like a weight had been lifted. I was at peace and I had not even noticed how tense I had been.

if this helps anyone,  I am glad to share.



















 

A brat

                          M'Agnes really is not happy about Gabbers being in and getting special treatment.
Right now she is stalking her, sneaking up onto the shelf where Gabrielli is trying to sleep. It seems every spot in the room is M'Agnes' pursonal space and she is courting my displeasure in being a brat. She knows quite well when she has pushed me to far and scurries to the furthest place as quickly as possible to wait for me to be distracted and then comes over for cuddles.

Such a bad girl.

a video of her eye

I finally got a video up on YouTubethat was taken from my Droid...

As you can see the eye is not going to be saved.  I love her eyes so this is not a happy thing for me.